Crazyness in my life

Wierd happenings in my life starting with just the basics of what my life entitles.

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Location: Mirkwood, Middle Earth, New Zealand

I am a 24 yr old graduating senior at MBBC and I'm promised to a very wonderful man. I am one of 6 kids in my family and love all my siblings. I live with my best friend and will be moving out in may. Moving to Tx but currently in Wisconsin.I love meeting people and chatting. I'm very open to any discussion.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Chief among sinners

Why is it that whenever I think that everything is going great and wonderful, things come to a halt and I am shone once agian that I am very human with loads of sin? Today I went to my friends house and did some role playing. The game was good. I got to draw while a huge battle scene was going on because I didn't want to be a bother to others in the game, but that is great. I figured out that I can be the biggest jerk alive. I have been doing the one thing that annoys the tar out of me. I have been complaining about things that others do and that is gossiping. I need to stop that cause the Bible is very much agianst that. I had a long long long long talk with my best friend today about things that bother her and that bother me. I can see how I am a jerk and I dont mean to be, but I can see how I can come across that way. I am going to endeavor to not say anything about someone else unless its good and edifying.

I enjoy talking to Ruthie and doing things with her, she is a wonderful person. I have asked her to view my blog and to use that as a way to get into my wierd and abnormal mind, but she told me that she doesn't want to and then she proceeded to anylize it, which I find humorous, but then she told me why she didn't want to read it at all. It is because she doesnt' want to know what I think, which I can understand. I mean I have a very wierd way of thinking and its not always the best way to think, but I mean I want her to know me better and to know that side of me that I can only put down on a computer or on paper. Isn't that what best friends should do? try to get to know eachother better? Maybe I am just being stupid which can be very likely the truth. Oh well. I don't think less of her for not wanting to read it. She blames pms but i don't think that is it at all.

At times I think about how I am doing in my walk with God and I fail so miserably. I mean I can't believe that people actually think i'm a good christian. I dont feel like one at all, and I know all my sin and sinful thinking and actions. There is things in my life that if people found out, I am sure that I wouldn't have any friends. I keep my sins hidden, or at least try to. I know that my sin will be found out and brought before everyone and isn't truly hidden, for God sees it all and knows it all. Isn't he wonderful to forgive us though! I am just amazed at how much God is willing to forgive me cause I don't deserve it at all. I can say with Paul that I am the Chief sinner among sinners. I am such a liar. I mean, ok, many people don't know this but I do. I realized today that I lie more often then I would even admit to my best friend. How in the world can i do that.. how can I lie to the people that I love most in the world? I am praying that I get over this wicked sin in my life.

My boyfriend would probably dump me and drop me off at the nearest hospital for the mental disabled if he knew half the sins I do, or think about doing. I am a very horrible person that is letting pride ruin my life. My pride gets in my way from getting things right and I need to do that no matter the consequences. But what if those consequences is hurting the ones you love? Oh what a deliemia. I am such a jerk!

I need to go pray and get things right with God and think things over. I know that people will read this and think badly of me, but that is alright cause I am a sinner the bible says so. And it says that my heart is decietful above all things who can know it... I know that my heart is decietful but I can't truly know what is in my heart... I do find thought that things that proceed out of your mouth is what is in the heart. Man I am a very boastful and proud woman... what a jerk. I need to get the focus off myself and onto God and others. Why do I put myself first. I should take my name to heart more often.

Joy. J for Jesus first and then O for others second and Y for yourself last.. I need to be last on my list of priorities. Anyways, I need to go. I should get some sleep before my boyfriend calls me. I hope that he is having a better day then me.

Always Christ's child,

O Spirit, beautiful and dread!
My heart is fit to break
With love of all Thy tenderness
For us poor sinner's sake.
-Frederick Faber

Only to sit and think of God
Oh what a joy it is!
To think that thought, to breath the Name;
Earth has no higher bliss.
Father of Jesus, love's reward!
What rapture it will be,
Prostrate before They throne to lie,
And gaze and gaze on Thee!
-Frederick Faber


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